Wow. So the end is near and I have such a range of emotions about leaving Thailand. The rose colored glasses came off when I went back to teaching after the flood back in December. From then until now it’s been work, work, work,--extra hours to make up for flood time with Saturdays on top & extended hours during weekdays. I did go on one fabulous trip to Khao Yai National Park mid January, which was so needed! Life became a bit mundane, as life will, whether you live in the South of France, or Bangkok, or Kissimmiee, Florida. I began missing bits of home-driving my car, laughing with my mom, hanging out with Ed, the Fall, the Winter, going jacuzzing with Ismail, my cats—you get the drift. I also began really noticing the negative aspects that weren’t so clear when things were so fresh and exotic. Namely the ungodly heat that NEVER lets up, the constant mosquitoes; no matter where I go—apartment, bus, classroom, office, they are ALWAYS there with their buzzing and I am left with ankles and arms full of bites. The hour long commute to work to an area that since the flood, is now a big rotting pile of stinking junk and flies. Dust in my eyes everyday from the motorbike cabs, the really dirty foot bridge with the homeless people. These things make me miss home-clean streets, a car, seasons.
I wanted to open with the negative aspects of my feelings because the majority of what I’m feeling is like a blending of sadness, fear of what my life now holds back home, and a sense of what I’ll be missing here. My neighborhood provides a good example of things that I will truly miss. Once the weekend travels ceased and life became just work and home, I began to take an interest in the stray cats. I started feeding a few in particular every day and the cats grew to love me and run for me as I came, as cats will. The thing is though, the neighbors also welcomed me, greeting me every day with a seat at their food stall and sometimes pointing out the cats for me. They would come over to sit and just smile and do their best to communicate, although not much was understood. Many of the neighbors now know me and give me wide smiles as I pass and say things like “meow meow” indicating where are the cats? The people in this community know each other and the Thai people have such a laid back attitude towards life that the stray cats and dogs don’t bother them a bit. In fact there are many people that leave food and water out for them. I find their general easiness about life so refreshing and it will be missed.
I have accomplished so much personally since I’ve been here as well. I’ve learned how to be independent again, I’m managing my money better than I ever have before, I quit smoking, lost a significant amount of weight, and finally after years and years, I’ve quit taking my medication which has kept me stuck to a place I no longer needed. I learned how to enjoy my own company, and I also made friends here. I’ve traveled extensively alone and with companions, and met many people with great stories along the way. I’ve had the pleasure of teaching Thai students, who, though they are not perfect, and do enjoy making a lot of noise J are truly the sweetest kids. There is an innocence about Thai students that warms my heart. I’ve certainly done my share of yelling to “keep it down” and been ignored, but I can honestly say that I have never once been disrespected in any way. I’ve only been greeted with smiles, wai’s, and “good morning, good afternoon teacher.”
I will miss this lovely little apartment that I think of as my own. It reminds me so much of when I lived alone in New York City’s East Village in that tiny studio on 7th & C. Many of you will remember. I had deeply happy times there too. Getting that apartment and having my dad and mom surprise me by fixing it up for me and knowing how proud my dad was of me is one of my most cherished moments to date. I have a handful of cherished experiences like that in my life—college with Amanda and Professor Furr, getting my first teaching job, meeting the love of my life, Ismail. Now I will soon add Thailand to this list of cherished memories. Now as I write, I cry because I know that soon the “living it” part will be over and it will only be memories which I will share at every chance I get. I’ve met the kinds of people here that make traveling and working in different countries their life. I wish I could do that, but truthfully it’s just not me. Inside I want to be married to my husband, and live close to my mom and have kids that she can see all the time. I feel like that chapter is beginning for me and it both excites and frightens me so much.
Thailand has changed me forever in many ways and part of me is afraid of going back to more of the same, but one thing I know about me is that If I want to I can make things happen for myself and I want to stay determined to do just that. Thanks for reading. This one has been my most heartfelt blog.
Next blog will be from my long honeymoon! Ismail will be here in a week and a half and we will travel Thailand very extensively and then were back stateside April 19th!
Pic 1: My adopted strays, I found homes for the 2 kittens and I miss them tremendously
Pic 2: Beautiful Khao Yai National Park-biggest and best in Thailand
